The Boy Who Taught Me Love

I’m writing this because I can’t stop thinking about you. To say I miss you is an understatement.

Where do I begin? With the day I first met you I suppose. I knew your name before your face, but I am so glad I got to know more than those two things. I got to know you. When I met you, another boy was annoying me, trying ask me out on a date  which I didn’t want. You had to login on my phone so it made it look like you were putting your number in my phone which made that guy stop and I’m grateful for that. That night you texted me and asked me out for coffee to get to know me better and I was so scared of you and your intentions I said no.

But somehow we hit it off. You were down right funny and I loved the sense of humour your brought into situations and into my life. In group conversations now, I find myself waiting for your meme-y comments and when they don’t come I remember you’re not here and my heart hurts a little.

After our first meeting was a series of weird flirting moments. I liked you to a degree and when you flirted with me, I flirted back. Then our other friend stepped in and told us to stop because he knew we weren’t right for each other. Eventually we established our relationship and continued to flirt despite being just friends.

It was an unusual relationship which confused many people including us at first. We would flirt a lot but it never led to anything more. Some described it as “a thing”, others described it as a “brother-sister relationship”. I enjoyed what you gave me. You treated me as special and gave me attention. I’ll admit, I was very shocked when I found out you were secretly sleeping with our friend. But I’d like to think deep down you respected and loved me in a way that you didn’t with other girls. Yes, in some ways I do feel like I was just another girl, but you treated me differently to other guys and I appreciated that. You respected my wants and needs, honoured me as a person and never crossed the lines.

I guess from all of this you taught me a lot about relationships.

Firstly, you taught me about about respect in a relationship. I used to let guys treat me how they wanted and never voiced my rights because I didn’t understand that it’s okay to set boundaries. Now I know what a guy respecting you feels like and I will never let anyone do otherwise. In some ways you gave the the boyfriend experience without actually being my boyfriend and that was really valuable for me because I’ve never been in a real relationship before.

Secondly you taught me how to be vulnerable. I sickens me to admit but… I am afraid of commitment. I suppose that’s why I’m a serial flirt who’s afraid to let anyone in. You were the only guy I let my walls down around. It sounds strange because honestly, I didn’t even let my walls down very far. But that was enough for me to see that being vulnerable is okay. It’s scary, but it’s okay. Christian guys would never flirt like secular guys but are eventually looking for a serious relationship, and secular guys will flirt but always want sex. You gave me the happy in between which I so badly wanted and needed. After you left, I realised no one else in my life can give to me the way you did and that were the most respectful guy I had met. Never in a million years would I ever date you, a cynical, alcoholic atheist, but somehow I had given a piece of me that I could never get back and to be honest, I don’t regret it one bit.

Lastly, you taught me to never settle for anything less than what God has for me; which is a strange thing to write since you’re an atheist but it’s true. You taught me that good guys are out there and that if a secular guy like you can be that respectful and nice, I’m 100% sure a Christian guy can be too.

Among these things you also taught me about life. You often told me off for being immature and childish and I was so ashamed but also thankful for you calling me out. You taught me to grow up, to stop being a crazy baby and start being an adult. You taught me to have fun and to not take life so seriously and I’m thankful for learning something new about life from you.

I’m going to be honest. My heart broke when you left. I knew you leaving was inevitable but even in the months, weeks and days leading up to your departure I cried a lot. I dreamed about you twice too, I shouldn’t be sentimental but it was so real like you were here again and that was nice. I know we’ll see each other again someday and I hope with all my heart that we can still have what we had. Even so, I don’t know if I want to pick up where we left off. I’m almost scared to see you again. I don’t know. Thank you, I guess. For everything. I miss you. See you in the comment section of the meme pages 🙂

How to be Brave. (A note to self)

Going into my next placement was scary but I was not afraid. I prepared, I psyched myself up, I worked hard to get into the mindset of being a teacher.

Week 1 was good.

Now it is week 2 and on Monday I had to teach my first lesson. Needless to say, I was freaking out. Anxiety spurred on by my failure from last year as well as feedback on my planning from my kind by stern associate teachers this year shook my confidence just hours before I was meant to teach my group.

My hands were shaking as I sat down slowly in front of 4 ten year olds. They eagerly got out their books, and they clicked their pens repetitively, usually a sign of nervousness, but their faces relaxed, calm and unfazed as if this was the most normal thing in the world.

“Hey guys” I started, hoping my voice wasn’t awkward or shaking.

“Today we are going to be reading this book.” I proudly revealed the journal story sitting next to my laptop. My new-found confidence was quickly shattered.

“We’ve already read this book” one kid said.

“Yeah, we read it last week.”

My head started to spin. What should I do? All my planning for nothing?

Going into this practicum was not easy. So many voices of doubt swirled through my head, making my ability to think clearly and act confidently clouded. I wanted to succeed, I want to do well, I want to be a good teacher. AND I WILL.

I am confident

I am a teacher

I am here to learn

I am an adult

I am not shy

I am not scared

I am not afraid

I will ask questions

I will search for answers

I will listen to feedback

I will critically reflect on my practice and the feedback I receive

I will improve my practice for next time.

This is a fresh start

I am a different person

I am a teacher

I didn’t come to play.

I am a professional

I am powerful

I am a leader

I am strong

It’s okay to make mistakes

Don’t let people take advantage of you

But let all your actions grow out of love.

Own it. Own your identity. Own your mistakes. Own your values. Own your passions. Own your body. Own it.

Even if it scares you. Even if you’re shy. Even if you feel judged. Even if you might be judged. Even if you feel it’s not a part of you yet. Own it.

It is who you are. Don’t apologise for or be afraid of who you are.

And most importantly of all act as if what you do makes a difference. Because it does.

To All The Boys I Ever Loved:

This is not a sappy love story.

Angel.

From the moment I met you, I knew I liked you. There was something about you that drew me in. Your cute dimples and charming eyes won me over. You knew how to have fun and make me laugh, and being around you always made my heart beat faster. But as we grew older, we had less time for each other and we slowly grew apart. I sometimes see you on the street and I wonder what it would be like if we still talked. I wonder if you are the same person, because I know I am not. You look so happy with your girlfriend, and that truly makes me happy too.

Player.

I have one question. Was what we had real? I watched you perform the other day and after you finished, you kissed another girl on stage. It hurt, seeing you. I didn’t really want to watch your show, but I did. You really do have a talent for music. I can’t stand your haircut though, and you are far too serious all the time. But you have pretty eyes and you cook good food. One day you are going to be famous and rich. I wonder if you’ll remember me then, or if you even remember me now.

Dreamboat.

If only things were different. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t rushed things, but given it time. There was so much you didn’t know and I wish I didn’t either. There was so much I wish I had said but I didn’t. We were both too young. I should have walked away when I had the chance. Maybe then, we could be something now. I sometimes look at your social media account. You are still as handsome as ever. I wonder if you’ve grown up a bit like me? Sometimes I hope we could see each other again, but too much happened between us that can’t be forgotten.

Boy Next Door

You make me think wild thoughts. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. Then we met again, that summer’s day. I was so shy. You were so charming, it made me more than uncomfortable but secretly I liked that about you. Then again, that rainy night. I swear every time we meet it’s like a scene from a movie. So cheesy and romantic, and we both play along. You make all my movie romance fantasies come true. My parents will dislike me ever seeing you again though.

Oppa.

I loved you. I still do. It’s funny though, because as a boyfriend, you are most definitely not my type. I’m sorry that I got in the way of you and that girl who liked you. I guess I was too scared that you wouldn’t care about me anymore. But now I realize that it is possible to love two people at the same time. I shouldn’t have worried because I know now that you loved me, and still do too. The elephant is always in the room. You are smart. You are wise. You are forgiving. And you are loyal. I am so sorry.

Bigfoot.

You are such an embarrassment. That is both and insult and a compliment. You don’t care what other people think of you, and I admire that; but unfortunately I do, and so whenever I’m with you I wish I could be invisible. You have a certain charm about you that draws me into you. I loved you. I really did. But I guess you didn’t love me. It was all a lie wasn’t it. When I found out that you were in love with someone else my heart broke. You deserved to be revealed in front of me though. I hope you feel guilty. I still dream about you sometimes. Which is really weird. I don’t want to. In some fleeting moments I miss you, but then I remember why I hate you. I forgive you though.

Mr Perfect.

After Bigfoot, I met you and I liked you. You are handsome, tall, funny, smart, talented, not really ambitious though, but remarkably, you fulfill every requirement on my List. You are quite literally perfect. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around that fact that I am not. I tried to be someone you would like, rather than just being myself, and in that I lost you. It’s funny, I was so scared of losing you, that I did. You thought I was fake, and I was. I’m kind of embarrassed about that honestly. In the beginning, that was the real me, and I know that you liked her. I suppose it was for the better that we aren’t together anymore. You were a distraction from the truth. And now that you are gone, things are coming right again. Even so, it’s hard to accept you are falling for someone else. Will I see you again? I hope that I can one day show you who the real me is.

I Am Weak.

After all this time, all the pain, all the hurt; then the empty numbness, I just want to move on. I want the tears to stop and feel the lightness on my shoulders.

I want to be free. I want to be happy.

But life holds me back. It chokes me, kills me, suffocates me until I can’t breathe and I feel like I can’t possibly go on. The words people throw at me, the hatred, the anger, the disgust; it slowly kills me, dragging me deeper and deeper into the depths of death.

I want the pain to be gone, I want a reason to smile.

But I can’t seem to find one.

The python slowly chokes me, squeezing the tears out of me, painfully! One. By. One. I try to hold them back. “You are stronger than this!” I tell myself. “Don’t let this take over you!”

But there comes a point when it is all too much, the breaking point. The point when you cross the line.

And suddenly it all comes out like the gushing of a waterfall, the explosion of a gyser. In an unflattering epic mess, I collapse, the pain a bursting, searing heat burning everyone in my path.

I am weak, I am not strong.

A strong woman does not bend or break to the words of her enemies. No. No. NO. But that woman is not me. I am not strong. I am weak. A broken human. Nothing to give, nothing to take, empty and void. Searching for the parts of me that don’t exist, searching for the strength which I don’t have.

When will I stop crying?

When can I just be free from the pain?

What will it take to be the woman I want to be?

Now That I’m 19

*The main reason I wanted to write this is so that I can look back at this 10 years from now I can see how much I’ve changed and keep this moment in a time capsule.

Two weeks ago I had my 19^th birthday and honestly, it was quite a surreal moment. I remember when I turned 15 (that was the age to be!) and I looked at the 19 year olds in my life and thought “Wow, they are SO old. I can’t ever imagine being that old. When I’m 19, I’m going to be an adult with a real life! I’m going to have a car, a job, and move out of home and live with my best friend, and go to university, have a boyfriend, drink coffee, and buy nice clothes.” Now here I am, 19 years old, with less than half of these things, and still not as cool as I wish I could be hahahaha. In all seriousness, I am still nowhere close to being the version of myself that I aspire to be. It’s so much harder than it appears.

I imagined myself to be so much more organised and… older than I am now. Although I have grown dramatically over this past year, which I am grateful for, I am still so far away from being the person I want to be, which is very frustrating. I know that will come eventually, but it’s still very disheartening.

In a way I also guess that what I perceived to be “grown up” when I was 15, doesn’t really mean much to me now. I imagined myself to be a COMPLETELY different person that has got it all together and has the perfect life. But over these past four years as I’ve grown, I realised that growing up doesn’t mean you change from a Squirtle to a Charizard, you evolve to become a better version of you, and become a mean as Blastoise. #pokemonreference (To be honest I don’t know, and don’t think I’ll ever become a Blastoise and that scares me a little, I’m worried I’ll stay being a Wartortle forever? Stay tuned, I could write a whole other post on this topic!)

Around New Years and my birthday, I choose a word of the year; I started doing this in 2013. I suppose it’s a goal or an area of myself that I aspire to grow in in my year ahead. It’s interesting to do this every year and see how it changes me. I could write for hours and hours about these goals but that would tire me and bore you, so I’ll just give a little summary.

Challenge and Change (2013)
This was at a time in my life when I was coming out of being a teenager and into young adulthood. I wanted to face challenges in a new way and become stronger and therefore change myself, my attitudes and my mindset. From this I could impact my family and the people around me in a more positive way.

Growth and Maturity (2014 and 2015)
During my final year of high school I don’t remember much about this. I grew as a leader in my school being a senior student, and I think that prepared me for the massive jump that university would bring. When I started my first year of university I want to no longer be the childish naïve me that I was before, but instead become wiser, experience life and grow into being an adult. This was so important to me, for many reasons, to prove my family and friends wrong, to be a better me, and most of all for the purpose of my degree. (I am studying to be a teacher and so I wanted to know that I can teach the students, rather than be one of them). (I don’t think I stuck to it very well in 2014 which is why I continued it to 2015).

Confidence and Courage (2016)
In some ways, this is what I’m lacking. After going to a lot of interviews and meeting new people, I had to talk like a professional and like a leader. To be honest I felt awkward and shy. Sometimes I wake up and I am just not happy with myself and can’t approach people or situations feeling like Sasha Fierce. I want to have confidence and courage so that when I walk in to a room I can smile with confidence, knowing who I am and what to say.

So, happy 19^th birthday to me. Hip hip hooray!

Next year, I turn 20 (OMG?!?!). I will write another post like this and we can compare and see what has changed and what hasn’t hahaha. I wonder what next year’s phrase will be? What might yours be?

 

Role Model – The letter I want to write…

This letter is written to one of my high school friends who I admire more than anyone else.

Dear Friend,

You are such wonderful person. Sometimes I wonder how one person can have so much beauty in their heart. As far as I can see from the outside, you have a stable family and lovely family relationships. I wish I could be like you. How do you treat everyone with such kindness and grace? You are honestly the definition of beauty, inside and out. You are so humble and selfless, so caring and sweet, so funny and loving, so responsible and mature, so ambitious and friendly. When I look at you I get jealous I admit, but I also get so emotional because you treat someone like me, with an ugly heart, with such love and care. You say I am the one who is beautiful. You say I am the one who is kind and sweet and selfless. Honestly, I don’t see it. Maybe it’s because no one has really told me that, or maybe it’s because I am ugly on the inside and you’re just saying those things to be nice. It makes me cry when you say those things to me because I can’t understand how you see those things in me. It makes me cry because I desperately want all that you say to be true. You are such a beautiful human being. I marvel at how you can see the good in others, and in me, when I cannot see it myself. I need you to teach me those traits that you have.

Last year, when I graduated, either of us could have won the cup for that class we took together. But you won it. I was so angry. I really wanted to win it because I never got any award in my whole time at high school and I thought that maybe that year I had a chance. But you won it. I was angry because I thought I deserved it. The truth is, you deserved it more than anyone. If you’re reading this, please don’t feel bad. You really REALLY are the most deserving person I know.

For your birthday you raised money and gifts for people who couldn’t afford it, and donated them all. I felt so guilty when my friends gave me gifts for my birthday. I couldn’t bear to even use them after that.

The funniest thing about this all is that you are younger than me, by more than a year I might add. If you were my sibling, I think my parents would say to me “Oh Emma, why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Every time I hang out with you, talk to you, or look at your like updates on social media, I get frustrated, sad and in awe all at the same time. Everyone wants to be your friend, and you want to be all of their friends back. You will go far in life. I will probably forever be stuck at the crossroads. Most of the time, I am impatient, stubborn, lazy, messy, unmotivated, selfish and rude. You are honestly perfect.

Words cannot express how much I admire you, and how much my life has changed ever since I met you. One day, I hope to be as an amazing of a person as you are.

Love,

Emma

Sunday Funday

I just quit my job. It’s kind of a surreal feeling really. After working 1 and a half years in a retail clothing store, I finally don’t have a job. For a long time I was actually weighed down by the fact I had a part time job in the weekend. My family had all these fun gatherings and events on and I wasn’t able to go because I was working… There’s definitely a sort of freedom with not having a job. You don’t have any obligations; you can do what you want, when you want. It’s great!

However, it’s also brought on a feeling of directionless-ness which is quite scary in a way. It’s like you have no goal or purpose of something you want to do. In all this spare time I have now, I actually have time to have an existential crisis!! To be honest, I’ve been feeling like this for a while actually… I’ve spent all year studying Primary School Education at University and I still have this deep down gut feeling that it isn’t for me. There’s this nagging at the back of my mind, telling me that this isn’t what I should be doing. I know I should follow this instinct, but if I don’t continue it, then what on earth am I meant to be doing with my life? I want to try and get into the Masters of Speech and Language Therapy after I finish my undergraduate, but that still seems so far away and so far out of reach.

I feel sort of helpless, floating aimlessly through space, not grounded in anything, just drifting through life at the moment. Of all the possible jobs in the world, I can’t even decide what career path will be right for me. If someone gave me another idea of something I could do, I’d say, “I’ll give that a go” but never be able to make a clear-cut decision. I wish there was a place where we could go and try out every single job and see which one is right for us. No, scratch that, I wish someone would just tell me what I should do so then I could just go right on ahead and do it!!!!!

The frustration levels are high! I want to do something meaningful with my life, something that makes sense, and something that gives me peace in my heart while I do it. I don’t want this uncertainty and confusion that I have right now.

I realise though, that a lot of people never actually figure out what they want to do, even for a long time after they finish their degree. I know that what I’m feeling is normal and I know that a lot of people my age (and much older!) feel this way too. Knowing that I’m not the only one feeling like this gives me only some comfort, but it also makes me frustrated on other people’s behalf too.

Hopefully, sometime soon (please!), I will figure out what I’m meant to do with my life. There will be no more hesitation or confusion, and no frustration or directionless-ness. I think that when you find peace in what you’re doing, you know that you’ve found the place where you’re meant to be.

Dress like a LADY

Ever since I started working at the retail store 10 months ago, my style has changed a lot. Now, please don’t assume this is some typical post about how my taste in clothing has changed due to the peaks and falls in fashion trends over the past year, that is NOT what I am about to say.

I used to dress really “out-there” and I had a very specific taste in clothing. No black, white or grey, nothing on trend. But as I’ve been working at a clothing store that sells really… bland… clothing, my style has become much more toned down. I used to go op-shopping occasionally, but since I work at the mall every week, I have gradually become more exposed to what is in fashion and what I should be wearing for my age.

I used to dress quite cutesy and but now my clothing choices are more lady-like. This has definitely helped me to grow up I guess, because the way that you portray yourself on the outside is how your personality is on the inside, and of course, how you will be perceived. To be honest, I kinda still want to dress like that young, spirited girl, who looked like a unicorn pooped rainbows on her… until she worked at a boring retail store. (My inner Disney princess needs to be set free!!) But I realise now that I am never going to get a job OR a boyfriend looking like that. It’s time to move on from that phase of my life.

I also am the lucky owner of a cutesy baby face (Note: That was sarcasm). I recently went on a camp retreat as a leader and I wore a pink flowery dress. It was all fun and games until a 15 year old boy started flirting with me. “Are you 15??” He eventually asked. Needless to say, I was mortified. Poor child, are you stupid?? Obviously, I have the blue wristband signifying that I am a leader, so obviously I am not in high school anymore, therefore I am not 15. Can we just clarify this for a minute, people. Yes, I do like pink. Yes, I do like flowers. Yes, I am 18. Yes, some people have no common sense. Thankyou very much.

Honestly, changing the way you dress does help you grow up. Knowing that you can’t wear those pastel jeans you wore 5 years ago because they make you look like you’re 13 (and fat) is a prime example of this, especially if you have a baby face like myself. Being yourself is very important, but so is recognising that what you wear affects how you will be perceived by others. If you want to translate your inner change into the way you look and show people that you mean business, then dressing in something that makes you feel the way you want to be portrayed is exactly what you need. I want to finally be seen as a university student not a high school student, so if dressing classier with less unicorn poop rainbows is the answer, then so be it.

Going Back to Primary School

How was your week??

For two weeks before Easter, I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to go to a Primary school for two weeks and experience what it’s like to be a teacher. Not literally taking the class, but just observing the class and helping in the smaller groups etc.

It was pretty crazy though, we had three weeks of university and then we went straight into the school!! It was, in a way, like being thrown in the deep end because we were just getting used to university life and then we had to adjust suddenly to a whole new setting!!!

For the first two days at the primary school, it was really overwhelming because it was like taking a time machine and travelling into the past. I was suddenly flooded with all these crazy memories of my primary school days and it was just… wow. I really don’t know what to think!! And the fact that the children had to call me Miss… (I’m not going to put my last name because I want to remain semi anonymous), it was really really overwhelming, I have no other word for it. I remembered all these wonderful memories of being 5, and also some rather awful, scarring ones that I would prefer to forget.

I feel like I’m becoming a mother before my time and I’ve had to grow up so fast. This has kinda contributed to my wanting to grow up goal and I feel like I’ve finally learned something, growing up is a constant process and you can’t just grow up and that’s it. It’s a continual process and you keep learning new things every step of the way. Every experience contributes and you’ve got to take every experience and make it into a positive one.

But other than that, being in the primary school was a really enlightening experience, because I was able to see how I can make my part in changing the world. My class really made me smile and brightened my whole day with their witty comments and wise remarks.

To be honest I still have some doubts about being a teacher, I still don’t know if I can actually do it. I suppose it’s because it’s still the early days of my studies and I still haven’t been able to see myself properly in a class setting etc. Some of my lecturers have complained about being tired and getting burnout and stuff while they were teaching and to be honest it’s kinda made me more fearful and uncertain about being a teacher… do I really want that?? But I know I can do it. I’m being real here, what else am I going to do with my life?? Hahahaha. Teaching is the only thing for me, except for maybe a horticulturalist at the local landscaping store. Hahahaha

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Started University:

Hello lovely people!! Long time no see!!

Man, these past 4 months have been crazy!!

So as you probably don’t know, I started University!! WHAAAT?? I know, crazy right, last year I was a shy high school student, and now I’m going to University!! To be honest, I can’t really get over it myself either.

You know, I should have written this post 3 weeks ago, when I was on mid semester break, but as you know, it’s a break, and what was I doing?? Hibernating that’s what. Storing up on sleep for the second half of this semester, although two days in, I began to remember that that’s not quite how it works. hahaha

Anyways, I suppose I should take this post to talk about my first impressions of university and things I wish people had told me before I started. But first let me establish that I am currently studying a Bachelor’s of Education specialising in Primary school Education!! Woooo!!

Things I wish someone had told me before I started University:

In orientation week, talk to as many new people as possible. It’s a great opportunity to meet new people, rather than waiting till classes start and having to make awkward conversation. I wish I had gotten over my shyness for just that week and talked to as many people as possible. Now it’s extremely awkward to talk to people for no apparent reason, although I wish it wasn’t.

Take the first few weeks to establish yourself. Don’t feel too overwhelmed by what’s going on and everything, thousands of other people are going to be in the same boat as you, so don’t be scared, just take your time and have fun. This is really big for me, because even as it’s nearing the end of semester one already, I’m still a bit all over the place especially when it comes to assignments and stuff. Don’t worry too much, everything will be fine!! The lecturers totally understand that you’re a first year and that you’re still trying to get yourself orientated. Just relax a bit!!

Find the student services people and talk to your lecturers if you need help. I am quite a shy person and I wish that I had taken time to talk to the lecturers more about the work. I should have emailed them and asked if I could meet them outside of class time!!

Join at least one club. Have a social life where you hang out with people who like the same stuff you do!! Step out of your shell and do something new like join the cosplay club or the bonsai growing club. Yes, that exists.

So many people told me that university is so different from high school but they never actually specified in what way. I wish that they had told me that you have to be far more independent, because the shock was a lot for me. It’s not that I can’t be independent, it’s so different from high school in that, you have to sort out a lot of your work yourself rather than the lecturers telling you. In highschool they’d say, “read chapter 5 of the textbook by Monday” but in university, in the first lecture, they’re like “look in your semester course book (HEH HEH HEH)” and they don’t tell you anything else.

Ah well, I’ve nearly made it to the end of my first semester of university and it’s been insane!!! All I’ve got left is exams!! To be honest I am quite scared, just because it’s my first ever set of university exams and I have no idea what to expect from it!!! But I’m just going to give it my best and not set my expectations of myself too high because after all, I’m just trying to get through this first semester doing the best I can and getting used to university life. I’ll let you all know how it goes!!!

Have a great week guys!!