It’s been a wild ride. I mean I guess it has been for everyone considering all the crazy stuff that’s going on in the world right now. I guess because of that, I keep telling myself that my issues are not justified and that other people are worse off than me.
At the end of the year, I’ll be graduating. Yay! I had a lot of big plans actually; I wanted to move overseas to do further study etc etc. but the way the world is right now, its probably not a good idea. I’ve also been dropped into this role organizing events for our camp at uni and honestly, I hate it. This is not my thing but people are relying on me to deliver and I can’t back out now. Lockdown wasn’t so bad, but the other shit that came with it was also a mess. The stress of studying remotely, not seeing people, and even if you did get to see people it was through a screen. I’m pretty sure my eyesight got worse because of that. I also tend to stress a lot about social situations. I know it’s not logical, and I don’t want to say it’s bad enough to call it social anxiety but I guess it’s somewhere on that spectrum. The worst thing has been seeing my friends and family’s mental health go down too. I’m not a very mentally stable person myself and seeing other people struggle really makes me cry, but I feel paralyzed. I don’t know how to cope and I shut down too which is not very constructive.
All this stress was terrible actually; so much so that I have developed horrible nausea. Sometimes I have dreams that make me wake up in a sweat with an overwhelming urge to vomit and then I can’t go back to sleep. Apparently there’s a long waitlist for the therapist too and since I’m not awful I have to wait a long time.
Sometimes I have very graphic and vivid dreams about violence and death… me hurting and killing people… I probably shouldn’t write this in case the police one day want to convict me of a crime but then maybe it’s a sign that I really have issues. I don’t even know where these thoughts come from? I don’t watch violent TV shows and honestly, the only animosity I have is against myself and murderers and abusers. I often wish I didn’t exist, because I feel like I take up space, but I also know that I have a purpose here on earth. I also think I wish I could hurt those people who hurt innocent people. But does that come from a place of pride and impressing other people as a hero or a place of anger at innocent people getting hurt? Half and half.
I think the thing that confuses me the most is that I study psychology. I’m supposed to be learning about people who are insane (amongst other topics of course) yet I feel like I am the one who’s losing my mind.
My crazy worrying thoughts are often quite random. Some involve thinking about items I gave away to the second hand shop, others are about my indecisiveness about buying items or what to do for the future. Others involve thinking about the people I’ve hurt and whether I should apologize even though it was 5 years ago, and others are about whether or not people think I’m weird (because of my awkwardness due to my social anxiety). I know the first issue stems from my sentimentality and my attachment to certain people and items, in some ways I am most probably a hoarder. I also have realized I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with money which probably comes from my childhood. At one point we didn’t have much money and so I learned to excessively save money. Then I started working and I began excessively spending because I finally could afford the things I wanted. Now there’s a crazy tug of war in my head about buying things. The other issues are based on my fears of making mistakes and my fears of no one loving me which have come about because I firstly switched degree and regretted how I wasted my supervisor’s time etc. and my fears of no one loving me come from the fact that my mum told me in my teen years when I was a crazy teenager, that I was “extremely unlovable” and so deep down inside I have the belief that if my mother wouldn’t love me then who would? (she loves me now that I am an adult though) Now when I make friends or a potential boyfriend gets too close I clam up and run away.
Also because of the virus, there’s been heaps of job losses in my country and what were once thriving businesses with plenty of graduate positions have dropped into nothingness. What will I do after I graduate in December?
The other day my best friend asked me, what is your biggest insecurity? I know for most girls, the answer would be their physical appearance. My whole life, people have continuously told me how pretty I am. But I’ve always found it so hard to impress people and be charming and sweet, that my biggest insecurity is inside, my personality. I wish I was different. I wish I could be this, I wish I could be that.
I often don’t talk to people about my issues. I am afraid of burdening them and adding to their problems which I am sure is not true because I don’t think that way when other people are struggling. I know this thought comes from when my mother had a breakdown and I was very emotional and I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about things. After bottling things up, I eventually exploded. I’m trying to be open nowadays but it’s not easy for me.
My my mum bought me a book the other day called The Book of Overthinking by Gwendoline Smith and so I’ve been reading a bit of that every night. I’ve also been trying to pray to God but recently He feels so far away, even though I know He isn’t.
I guess you could say I very much understand the root of my own thoughts but it’s so hard for me to process them and have things in place to get through them, especially managing the anxiety that comes with it.
So many thoughts, not enough head space. If you’re reading this, I am praying for you.
Good night.
How to Grow Up 