“I need to talk to you for a second, sit down”
I sat down on the chair.
“All your cousins are very successful and I don’t mean to pressure you, but don’t be at the bottom”.
I first I was in shock. Did my mother actually just say this to me? Then came the disbelief. No she didn’t. Then came the realisation. She actually just said that! Then came the anger. How could she say that?!
I was angry. Very angry. Never in a billion years did I expect my God loving mother to say something as shallow as that, but I should have expected it. It made sense, she’s always been this shallow about money and status, why am I surprised?
I think I was mostly hurt by the fact that she could stoop so low to say and believe something so secular. And also by the fact that after everything I have gone through with changing a degree, she decides to change her mind and say that I can no longer pursue a career I want, but I have to change to a career that will make the most money which can buy me the best material possessions. Those things will make you the most happy Emma, those things will make you the most successful so then I can show off to all your aunts and uncles and say “my child is better than yours!”
Oh, and don’t ever forget Emma that having a rich and successful husband will make you the happiest! Then you will have all you need!
I spent 1 and a half years of my recent life seeing a counselor. For the longest time I was so stressed and almost depressed by the fact that I can never live up to people’s expectations of me. Now my own mother, who was there by my side, listening very clearly to all these stories was telling me otherwise? Telling me that whatever I do will very clearly never be enough for her?
On January 1st 2019 as I was writing New Years Resolutions I realised something,
I was happy.
Never before had I ever thought that I was happy, but there I was sitting at my desk.
I was happy so so so so happy and it wasn’t because of anything anyone else had done! It wasn’t because I had won the lottery, or got an A+ grade, or been the best at anything or achieved anything at all! It wasn’t because I got a nice boyfriend or traveled round the world or helped an old lady cross the street, or pet a dog! None of that!
I was simply happy because I chose to be.
That was the greatest day of my life.
Fast forward and there I was sitting in my car, crying in disbelief about what my other had just said to me. I thought about calling a friend and telling them about what my other had just said. I thought about how my father had watched me crying in my room and said “yeah she’s harsh” and then walked away. I thought about how my mother would tell my brother the same thing that evening. I thought about what my mother must have felt when I had changed my degree.
Then I prayed.
God and I both know that there’s three reasons why I don’t have a boyfriend.
- I am content with myself and am not in a desperate attempt to be with someone who will not add value to my life (sorry not sorry).
- I am scared of relationships and the harm it might cause the other person and I. Every time I watch my parents fight it just makes my urge to be alone and happy stronger.
- I’m rebelling against my mother’s wishes for me to be in a relationship.
As I spoke these words aloud tears burst out of my eyes and ran down my face. I suddenly realised I was laughing tears of joy. I knew I was happy and I knew God was happy with me. Then I realised there was also tears of sadness. That I didn’t have someone yet to share my life with.
My definition of success is far different from my mother’s. To her, being successful means having money, a picture perfect family, stability and material possessions. To me, success is achieving God’s plan for my life and I am willing to go whichever way to get there.
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